Help, Hope, and Emotional Healing for the Terminally

When you're facing a terminal illness, the emotional pain can seem unbearable. Besides coping with your own feelings, you may also worry about how your family and friends are doing, and you may feel uncomfortable talking to them about what you're going through. But there are ways for you to focus on healing emotionally even in the worst moments, and you don't have to go through this alone.

“Often, family members and best friends are in so much pain that they cannot be of help to you, even though they are trying their best,” says Vega A. Lalire, PhD, a clinical psychologist practice with Lucas Associates in Goshen, NY. “Friends are so important; visit with all your friends: in person, via e-mail, and on the phone. Talk with everyone and you will find someone who can deal with your terminal illness without avoiding it or being insensitive.”

What is surprising is that it is often not your best friend or family member who can help you with the most with your feelings, but someone with whom you are only somewhat close.
“The friend should be someone who can empathize with your complaints and your pain, and be a good listener, but then help you turn toward the positives in life, and enjoy talking with you about other topics,” Lalire says.

Terminal Illness and Emotional Healing: Where to Turn to for Support
Support is crucial during this very difficult time. You need to have someone to talk to, but not just anyone can help you along this emotional journey.

Consider these tips before turning to a friend for help:

be flexible about what you want to discuss.

If you want to review your life, your friend should be willing to listen as you talk about all of your accomplishments, your childhood, and the important people in your life.

You need a person who will remind you of the good things you will be leaving behind: You will live on in the memories of others and even their behaviors.

“Your friend should be a person who is generally positive and can shift your conversation to silly and fun things," Lalire says. "You can complain together about politics, the economy, or whatever.”

Choose someone who can talk about death and what will happen after your death. Understand that not everyone can handle this conversation, but don’t take it personally. It's their problem, not yours.

If you have decided that it is time to die before your pain gets worse, your friend should be comfortable with that and supportive of your decision.

If you are unable to find a person who meets some of the above criteria, then you need to find a good counselor or psychotherapist to talk with to assist you with your emotional healing. Ask your doctor to give you a referral.

Terminal Illness and Emotional Healing: Keep Living

For as long as you are physically capable, continue doing whatever you have done in the past. Keep living.

“When you are depressed, call someone, whether a friend or a psychologist, who accepts your situation and can get you to focus on the positives,” Lalire says.

It’s also important that you get out and see people. If you're physically able, a good way to do that is through volunteering. Research shows that helping others is a great way to boost your emotional and psychological health and enhance the healing process. It also helps you to see that there are other people in similar situations, and can take your focus off of yourself.

You should also consider joining a support group of people who have the same or a similar condition: Being with others who understand how you feel is very helpful and healing. You have much to offer others through sharing your experiences and feelings. Talk to your doctor to find out about support groups in your area.

Things to Consider

Lalire says that it is okay to take medication to help you cope with your terminal illness.
“Don’t forget about antidepressants,” Lalire says. “They can be very helpful and help you make the most of the time that you have left.”

Also, if you are in severe physical pain, you deserve to be comfortable.

Talk to your doctor about what can be done to ease the pain caused by your illness. If you don't get the help you need controlling your pain, find another doctor -- perhaps a pain specialist -- who will work with you to ease your suffering.